No this isn’t a kink post. Well kind of. Okay no, not really, but read it anyways, mmmkay?
Well to be fair I married him before he was my Dungeon Master, technically it was nearly 7 years into our marriage and 15 years into our relationship before I had ever really delved into the world of Dungeons & Dragons. He had been playing and also DM’ing for quite some time before that. Realistically it is even safe to say that I’m still somewhat of a noob— I participate in two ongoing campaigns, one online and one group that meets monthly, neither of which have been going for more than a year at this point and a child sized handful of one off adventures. But I like it, I love it and I want some more of it. That being said this particular post rant isn’t really about me and my journey into the depths of RPG adventuring, it’s about my husband and the endless amounts of energy, planning and time (which is already a limited commodity in a household with small children) that it takes to run a successful campaign. Or two. Or in our case, three.
So my husband runs three campaigns for three very different groups. One is an online campaign with a couple of close friends who happen to live quite some distance away. This group plays monthly. One is his a group of his friends most of which he met at our local game store and also plays a handful of other games (mostly tabletop war games) with. This group meets bi-weekly most of the time but due to scheduling conflicts it’s currently no longer on a consistent schedule. The other group is a ladies only group, comprised of some of my friends, a group of all Moms with various things going on in our lives, three of them also juggling working full time and other commitments. We also meet on a monthly basis which essentially means that on a regular month, my husband is planning anywhere between 4 and 6 D&D sessions for 3 or 4 (the fourth being an occasional one off group event) different campaigns.
Running even one campaign is a commitment in and of itself. Particularly dependant on whether you are preparing your own material, or using a guidebook of some sort. Meaning that planning just one games worth of content can take between 1- several hours. Having in game choices with differing consequences that give players real control over where they go in an open world style and what happens next is time consuming, guys. There’s the work that goes into preparing backup content in case the party decides to go completely rogue and strays from what was the intended main quest line. Spending time making in-game props, letters, special cards or tokens to help keep track of in game content, map visuals, battle soundtracks, scrolls — the list of duties that a dedicated DM might take on is somewhat endless. I’ve watched him stay up til 1 am the night before game night making a stand up cardboard colosseum for his players to fight a dragon inside. And then still get up twice to deal with our ragey toddler and go to work the next day, then host four hours of D&D the night after. I’ve seen him print letters and age them, and burn the edges (so fancy!) hoping that his players might find the scroll in game but knowing all the while there’s a good chance they won’t.
Oh. And I haven’t touched the fact that scheduling can be a beast of its own. Peoples real lives (how fucking dare they!) have a tendency to change with time. New jobs, new school schedules, new seasons mean other extracurricular activities for a lot of people- conflicting sports and other commitments. My husband has three spreadsheets he uses to track availability and then chart potential dates for scheduling. He has to work his groups around each other because he can only be in one place at any given time.
Does your Dungeon Master host? If they do there is a good chance they are cleaning and prepping to have people over, maybe preparing snacks purchased with their own money. Do they have kids? It takes time and organization and for some people money to line up sitters for an adult only evening.
Oh hey. Did I mention that they don’t even get paid for this shit?
Because they don’t!! They do it because they love making the in- game content super fun for the people they play with. They do it because world building is fun asf and because it’s even more fun with props and maps and special items. Do you know where I am going with this?
Imagine the disappointment and frustration when party members slowly start flaking out on the regular. And I don’t mean things that are completely one offs like a family member dying or the party member suddenly coming down with some health issue or illness, I mean the straight up flakey, vague multiple last minute “I’m not going to be able to make it tonight guys” from the same person over and over. Admit it… most parties have one.
So I get it, real life happens and it is a bit of a bitch. Many of us have kids and those of who don’t have a lot of other stuff going on- spouses, actual jobs they do get paid for, other hobbies and commitments, households to upkeep etc. Responsibilities- we’ve all got them.
All that I plead is this: stick with your commitments if you can and if real life is starting to make it impossible, consider ducking out and allowing your party to carry on without you. It brings down the whole team when one or two people consistently miss out each session and it’s super disheartening for your DM. Sometimes it’s better end a campaign and start fresh with new people rather than that carry on with a group of people who really arn’t that into it anymore. If availability is a problem talk to your DM and see if there’s a way that you can take a leave of absence that can be written into the game in a way that makes sense. See about whether it’s possible for you to reappear in a few months with a new character and rejoin when life slows down for you.
Really it’s not that hard. Be a decent person that respects the time and energy that someone else is putting into something that is designed purely for your own entertainment and enjoyment!
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Oh and bring your DM a fucking cookie the next time you see them! They deserve it!
Coffee & Chaos 